Monkey’s Uncle
Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. I used to hate that phrase. What does it even mean? You want a monkey to shag and impregnate your sister? It doesn’t make any sense. I heard somewhere it’s something an evolution sceptic said. I’m sure it’s probably apocryphal. Read more.
The Rock
A largish hom led the other homs behind him into the dark cave holding his spear loosely. They all stopped and he indicated over to where the shape was. There were cries and hoots and the closest homs slapped the spear-holder heartily.
Then the tallest of the homs made a move a bit too close towards the rock as if he meant to touch it and the spear-carrier jerked him back. He barked at him shaking his hand from his shoulder and the spear from his other hand. Loud noises were made and teeth were bared. The tall hom swung at the rock-presenter, and grappled him, the pair stumbling towards the group. As they bashed into the other homs the hom and a bystander were knocked to the ground as the group split and they all began to bark irritably. The two that had been toppled clambered up, one scurrying to the side while the other let out a roar and flailed his heavy hairy arms. He displayed ferociously until the other started to back away out of the cave. He began to chase his rival and the rest followed him. Read more.
In my story Potty Mouth I remember that the Queen gets a mention. Since everyone has been banging on about her for weeks and I know her address and I have the story printed on a postcard, I sent one to her
You can read the other side of the postcard here.
Late wasp
I’m lying on my bed with my chin hanging over the side, wondering whether I’ll get up now or wait a little bit and be late. Something like a heavy fly falls from the curtain into a box full of books under the window. Read more.
Ahoy!
On Wednesday I went to the launch of inczine 5. A splendid mix of music, illustration and poetry from Mr Gee (who’ll be at Leefest with me), Gary from Leeds, Richard Purnell, Cat Brogan, Dan Simpson and more, as well inc’s own Will and Anya.
The theme of the issue is postcards. My short poem was made into a wild-west-lift-show-down postcard with an illustration by Lorna Scobie. Buy it (or last issue which I’m also featured in) here.
Cemetery
Sam zipped up and picked his way through the gravestones and back onto the path. Grinning, he took the cider bottle from his friend. He swigged it and passed it back, hoping that the others would have brought something so they wouldn’t scab off them.
Actually, hold that a sec, I’m gonna go too, Jay said nipping between the grassy graves. Sam waited on the path, looking over at a tomb with a worn down statue of something on the top of it.
Whoa. Sam. Come and look at this.
I saw it last time you stayed round mine and I don’t want to see it again, thanks.
Hehe, no, I’m not talking about that, the beast’s back in his cave. This is something else. Sam found where his friend had stopped and read the engraving he was pointing at.
Spooky eh? Samuel Phillips.
That’s not my middle name though. Read More.
Wanker
She could hear something going on that she didn’t like the sound of. It was something that she usually liked the sound of but she was used to being able to see it as well, and make some sound herself. She rushed up the stairs silently, despite herself she wanted to catch them at it. She hated that slut from the moment she lay eyes on her. Felicia or whatever her name was, the one that flirted with Johnny shamelessly when she was there, knowing she was winding her up. After all she had done for him, he was cheating on her. She couldn’t believe it. She could believe it. She swung open the door. Read More.
Go on without me
Bang bang.
The gun feels light in his hand as Mike watches the first armed guard fall over the balcony.
Bang bang bang bang.
He shoots the next two before they can get a shot off and stops the other from pressing the alarm over on his left. He’s under fire from somewhere above so he ducks behind a low wall to reload. He’s seen where the sniper is hiding and picks him off. As each new enemy pops up he takes them out. Minutes later he’s made his way to the penthouse suite of the heavily fortified castle where his girlfriend is being held captive by the evil prince. Read more.
‘Jonah!’
She squeezed him in the doorway and he could smell that she was drunk already, as she kissed his cheek. She was a jovial drunk though and it had been a while since he had seen her. His friend was introduced and hugged. He passed a bag with some bottles of wine to the host who, smiling, managed to accept them without actually taking them. Jonah had strategically given the bag for his friend to hold just before they arrived while he tied his shoelace. Since he was meeting people for the first time he wanted to add to a good first impression. Read More