Eat My Shorts



I live in HMP B——. I spend most of my day sleeping or watching television. I watch what my cellmate wants to watch because I don’t want him to fight me again. It was a novel experience to me, his facial expression, his movements, the feelings on this body, even for days after.

I am a visitor from another planet, we don’t have a ‘name’ to speak of like Earth does. In fact we don’t call Earth by that name either. I am here for research purposes, until or unless I receive orders from my superiors, I have no violence planned. If I was to be ordered to fight however, I would not be alone. I don’t think this would be likely from what I have seen. There would be little gained by either party. I could kill this man in my room if I needed but it would not help me or my cause at the moment. Continue Reading.


Last call

            I hate listening to people’s telephone conversations. I get so angry about it. I don’t want to know the one-sided details of someone’s life. The passenger in the seat next to me was never going to be a buddy for life but he has definitely damned himself, with this loud pointless conversation, to remain in the list of people I will never like.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those grouchy middle-aged suit-types you see on planes who doesn‘t smile at anyone. I like talking to people and I take so many of these internal flights that I’ve met plenty of folks that I’ve kept in contact with; one even remains a golf buddy of mine. I am, or at least I hope I am, a pretty personal guy face to face.

However, I think that hearing other people’s phone calls is the single most infuriating thing in the gamut of human experience. I could be listening to Letterman talking to God about the meaning of life and I would still get annoyed, if he happened to be on his cell next to me. Continue Reading.



He dreams. We are walking along a dusky beach, he and her. There may be other people but they are of no concern to the couple that walk. She was angry at him earlier but she has looped her arm around him now and she beams up at him. They trip and roll on the sand or is it grass? Perhaps they’re in a garden. They’re late for something but can’t remember what. Neither care now, they’re so involved in each other that they’ve forgotten each other. Read more.


I’ve never been a fan of comic books myself, but everyone seems to be creaming themselves over superheroes and vigilantes these days. I’ve always thought they were just boring people’s sad fantasies. I guess my dislike for these nerdy cartoons was what prevented me from realising that I technically have a superpower. But my friend Tony tells me that’s what I have. I wasn’t bitten by anything irradiated or zapped by cosmic rays or any such bullshit. Having said that, my story is pretty ridiculous. Read more


The Rock

A largish hom led the other homs behind him into the dark cave holding his spear loosely. They all stopped and he indicated over to where the shape was. There were cries and hoots and the closest homs slapped the spear-holder heartily.

Then the tallest of the homs made a move a bit too close towards the rock as if he meant to touch it and the spear-carrier jerked him back. He barked at him shaking his hand from his shoulder and the spear from his other hand. Loud noises were made and teeth were bared. The tall hom swung at the rock-presenter, and grappled him, the pair stumbling towards the group. As they bashed into the other homs the hom and a bystander were knocked to the ground as the group split and they all began to bark irritably. The two that had been toppled clambered up, one scurrying to the side while the other let out a roar and flailed his heavy hairy arms. He displayed ferociously until the other started to back away out of the cave. He began to chase his rival and the rest followed him. Read more.

© Will Conway, 2012-2013.